The morning Danny was born was entirely different than the night Charlie was born for a couple of reasons. The first being we already knew we were having a boy whereas with Charlie we went in blind. (I’ll NEVER find out again. It’s life’s greatest and purest surprise. That moment when you see your child for the first time and find out you’re having a son or daughter is impossible to reproduce in a dark room looking at an image on a computer screen. I’ve experienced both. Trust me. You don’t have to know. You want to know. There’s a big difference. Besides, knowing what you’re having won’t make you any more prepared than not knowing. At least prepared for anything that matters. The color of the nursery does not matter. Sorry for the rant) We also had a planned c-section b/c of placenta previa. Overall, Danno’s birth was more like a dentist appointment than a child birth.
Aside from seeing Dan for the first time, the most memorable moment of that morning was leaving Charlie to go to the hospital. He would not let go of me as I tried to leave the house to get Vanessa to the hospital. He never had separation anxiety before and dropping him off at daycare or with a babysitter was never a problem. That morning was the first time I heard him say, “Don’t leave me Daddy!” He was desperately trying to free himself from my sister and crying as we pulled out of the driveway. I cried as I drove to the hospital. (Man, I cry a lot.) I felt so guilty. It felt like I was cheating on Charlie. That scene of Charlie hysterically crying as I drove AWAY from him still plays over and over in mind. I had a hard time dealing with Charlie thinking I was leaving him.
One of the best things about young children is that they have short memories. Or they are quick to forgive. Three hours later when Charlie came into the room to meet his “baby brudda” he was all smiles and eager to see Danny. At no point was there a whiff of jealousy or resentment coming from Charlie about his brother. Any fears I had of Charlie not responding well to his little brother were squashed immediately. Charlie loved Danny with every fiber of his being and it made me swell with pride that I helped raise such a tender and loving little boy.
This post is supposed to be about Danny. It’s his 1st birthday. But, of course, it’s about Charlie. Everything is and it’s beyond unfair to Danny. Singing Happy Birthday is going to be tough but I’m going to try my best to live in the moment and enjoy it with Danny, Vanessa, our family and friends, and Charlie.
Happy 1st Birthday to my son Daniel Thomas Tobin. Thank you for not only showing me there is light in this darkness but for guiding me towards it. Mommy and I love you more than life itself. I am sorry you got cheated out of ever knowing your older brother. He loved you very much and will always look after you.